Currently Listening Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone? By Harvey Danger Problems and Bigger Ones see related

Lacking Motivation Makes the World Sit Still.

So here we are again, my sometimes only friend. I've unwittingly reopened a chapter of my life that I thought sure was closed for good. And, in the midst of it all coming down around me, I stand confused, wondering what it was that I did to bring this upon myself.

I've started to have panic attacks again. I can't breathe, think, sit still, focus my eyes, focus my concentration. I freak out, for lack of a better term. This all came out of nowhere. I haven't had a problem with this since senior year in high school. And that was about two and a half years ago. This makes no sense to me.

I had a manic episode on saturday, a panic attack at church on sunday, and a panic attack at work on monday. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't scare me at least a little bit. But I called and got in to see the doctor on monday afternoon. Of course, to my own embarrassment, I became a quivering mass of tears shortly after he asked me how I was doing.

A presription was decided on and I now find myself taking 40 mg of Paxil (generic, of course) daily and 0.5 mg of Xanax (also generic) as needed. And, the thing is, I need the Xanax daily because I haven't had enough time for the Paxil to build up in my brain and start working. So I walk around like a really stoned idiot. And the funny part is that I only paid $5.19 for that stuff. Do you know how much street value that Xanax has? It makes me laugh a little bit.

This medication makes me feel strange though. It's like I don't care about anything. I have few emotions and most of them aren't really bothersome ones. Mostly, I just sleep. I don't want to eat, and when I do finally decide to force myself, nothing ever sounds good. And, if I do happen to manage to find something that sounds good, it never tastes as good as it sounds. I don't even eat half of what I used to before. I have no appetite.

JJ's had to pick up a lot of extra things around the house. I feel sort of bad for him having to put up with me like this. He wants to help, but he doesn't know how and neither do I. We have no idea how to progress here. It's uncharted territory for us.

Time moves differently for me now, as well. It either goes too fast or too slow. It doesn't just go. It flies or it floats. Everything just feels so different.

JJ and I have been going to church more often lately. We're discussing becoming members with our Pastor. He's a wonderful man and I really like the way that he runs the church. Things just feel right there.

I have no idea what else to write here. So I think I'm just gonna shut up now.

Currently Watching Monster-in-Law By Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Adam Scott, Monet Mazur, Annie Parisse, Will Arnett, Elaine Stritch, Stephen Dunham, Randee Heller, Mark Moses, Tomiko Fraser, Rochelle Flexer (III), Wayne Nickel, Jenny Wade, Bruce Gray, Zach McLarty, Stephanie Turner (II), Harriet Sansom Harris see related

A whole lot of nothing going on.

I forgot what it was like to work all the time! I never have time for anything anymore, it seems.

Of course, I'm exagerating. I know I have plenty of time to do plenty of things. I'm just a procrastinator when I'm not working to keep a job. Takes you an hour to clean? Takes me three. But that's due in part to the fact that when I do it, I do it right. (And I'm obsessive compulsive to boot.)

I think I've really learned to type at a quicker pace. Then, I have to at work though. I have to do a certain amount of claims per day. I didn't type slowly before, though. I guess it's not that I've learned to type faster, it's that I've learned to type what I read a little more proficiently.

Anyways, enough about work. I've had about enough of all that this week. JJ and I bought a filing cabinet. I suppose that means I'll have to start to organize my files again. I have stuff from Wal-Mart that I haven't filed yet. (That's from THREE MONTHES AGO!!) In other news, I bought this random rug. It's called a Flokati rug and it's all fake fur. It feels really awesome to step on. So, of course, I set it right in front of the bed so that it's the first thing I step on when I wake up.

I think that's about all I have to say for right now. There hasn't been anything terribly exciting going on.

Currently Listening The Skeleton Key see related

Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living!

So I started my new job this week. Tuesday, if you want me to be more precise. I have to say, working at a computer all day makes you not want to go near one when you get home. Which is sad because I really do love my dear computer.

Right now, what I'm doing at work are the rebates for Apple-Macintosh. The true irony to be found here is that we process the rebates for the iPods, iMacs, MacBooks, etc. on Dell computers. It makes me laugh every time I think about it.

My typing skills haven't really improved, but they sure do make me look good as compared to some of the other people around me. And, apparently, some people think that what we do is brain surgery. To me, it's just data entry. (Surprise! It's like that's what they told us when they hired us or something! Crazy, I know.)

I never fully realized how much I appreciate the chance to walk around until I had to spend eight to nine hours a day in front of a computer. It's amazing how quickly your butt can go numb and how long it can stay that way. The joy of the endeavor is that I'm making good money, right now we're doing mandatory overtime for an hour a day (and yes, I do make time and a half), and I have the option of coming in on a saturday and making a little extra spending money, all at time and a half, of course.

We process about 3500 rebates a day. Each person is asked to keep a pace of about 120 per day. If you're awake, you can do it. All you have to do is keep going. We file the rebates once they're audited. Next week, we'll be learning the web rebates. It's easy stuff. I really do enjoy it. And I get weekends off. Plus, if I want to, I can bring my CD player in and listen to whatever music I please.

It's a pretty sweet deal.

Currently Listening War All the Time By Thursday M. Shepard see related

And he told me that I should be looked to for advice...what the hell does that mean?

Well, for the last few days our air conditioning has been out. And, if you live in Indiana, you know how absolutely horrible that has been. The worst part was that we didn't even have a fan until last night. Needless to say, cold showers and shorts and tank tops have been no stranger to our environment.

We called maintenance about it on Tuesday. A man came, held his hand in front of a random vent, and told me there was nothing he could do because it's still blowing cold. Our thermostat at the time was set at 70 and the temperature was reading at 85. I don't know where that guy comes from that he thinks that is cool, but it's not cool. Not at all.

We haven't been able to sleep at night because we've been so very miserable. Yesterday, I called the office again to try to get some one to come down and fix our air conditioning. I told the person I talked to about what the maintenance guy said when he came. She feigned surprise and outrage. It sufficiently pacified me.

The maintenance person finally came this morning. He says he thinks he just has to add some freon to our air conditioner. So, hopefully, this will all be settled before tonight.

As soon as JJ gets home, he and I will be heading to Ohio to go hang out with my parents for a little bit. I'm sure that will all be well and good. It's been a while since we've gone and seen them.

In other news, we went to JJ's mom's house for dinner last night. She was acting really strange and for a moment there I thought that she was either mad at JJ or mad at me still. JJ says she's just upset about things not going her way lately. She's had a stroke of poor luck, so it would seem.

Anyway, I suppose this weekend will be a mini-vacation for me before I have to go to work. That'll be fun stuff.

Currently Listening Separation Sunday By The Hold Steady Your Little Hoodrat Friend see related

It burns being broke, hurts to be heart broken and always being both must be a drag.

So, I suppose that all the time I've spent looking for a job sort of payed off. I have to say, I was starting to get worried after Family Dollar didn't hire me. All the encouraging that JJ did is what kept me still applying and not just giving up completely on the job scene. Good thing I didn't listen to JJ and I kept going with the classifieds and stuff.

Yesterday I got a call from PeopleLink because I sent them my resume. They had an ad in the paper for a data entry position, so I thought, "Well, at the worst they can just say I'm not qualified." I e-mailed my resume and I got results. I had my interview today and it went well. I start my data entry position on tuesday of the coming week.

I got the shift I wanted. I'll be making more than I made at my last job. Plus, the environment at the place I'll be going to first is really casual. So I can wear jeans and sneakers. It's awesome. I'm so excited. For the first time ever I have the exact kind of thing that I want. I love it.

The only possible downside is that PeopleLink is a temp agency. So, if the company decides they don't want to keep me, they don't have to. However, PeopleLink will then find me another position that I qualify for. The good part of that downside is that even if I don't get kept as a permanent employee, I won't be out of work for long. Plus, I'll be getting paid every friday, so that's going to be a welcome change from my last 4 jobs.

So, Reader, if you're looking for a job, there's always PeopleLink. It's a paycheck if nothing else. Also, if you go there and I say a referred you, I get $20. That's a perk!